songs

NUMB
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmeGIYjnloQ


JAR OF HEARTS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM

confusion

so much confusion, so much has happened in such a small amount of time. decisions to still make. I've had good news and bad news and in between news. i just wish i had a little book with all the answers.
is this the right choice
would i be who i am if i hadn't taken this path
what will happen on this path
what will happen on that path
what if i walk the path alone
is this what adult is?
i remember that i couldn't wait to grow up and make my own decisions
cant i go back to being a kid with a bedtime and a vegetable quota
sometimes the future and all of its options are so overwhelming

but this i know i want someone, preferably one who fits my guy criteria lol, to be overwhelmed with or even better...... to tell me its OK, there's nothing to be overwhelmed about (I'm kind of an over reactor )

sometimes it feels like time is already passed by so quickly, i think i should have procrastinated less.
i thought id be farther in life. ugh it feels like something is missing ..................i just can't figure it out

criteria for the ideal guy

another one stolen from my myspace blogs: 

he knows that the best kisses are taken the second you see them, in a moment of passion, even before hello can be uttered

he puts the lid down 

he brings me flowers for no reason. and not just roses. they have their time and place but for random flowerings i want iris', lilies, tulips, and orchids

he can cook bc i can only bake

he understands that if i find a stray dog, i will bring it home and expect to keep it

he doesn't get mad when i come home from pets mart with a 300  bill :)

he lets me go totally above and beyond for parties or holiday decorations, and he even helps

he understands that my mother and i will never get along and wont get angry when i continually go back for more

hes glad that i will never wear high heels to walmart

he thinks i look better without make up than with 

he has a career, that he likes, that he can also advance in

he is healthy and fit 

he will push me as much as i will push him to be a better person 

he will let me shop/dress him bc lets face it , most guys dont have a clue

he will satisfy me sexually :) and hopefully i will to him too 

he will appreciate musicals and or opera......or at least tolerate them and put on a good front

he isnt afraid to just stop in the middle of whatever we are doing wherever we are doing it and hug me and kiss me 

he makes me feel special and unique, everyday

he gives great massages and loves to give them to me 

he is my intellectual equal 

he likes to travel 

he doesnt mind dusting, mopping, vaccumming, or doing bathrooms......bc all of those chores make me have an asthma attack (im not being lazy)

he understands that camping means the following: outdoors for play time and hotel or cabin for sleeping ( one ant bite can be lethal to me) 

he can be lured to the couch for a night of junk food and movies

but he can also lure me out to the sun for outdoor activities.... after 15 or so coats of sunblock of course

he lets me know that its ok not to be perfect 

he pretends not to see me cry during movies, bc i dont cry 

he doesnt get mad when i ignore him for a day bc i am into a really great book 

he tolerates my vampire obsession with a smile 

hes a mr fix it.......be i break everything and have no clue how to fix anything 

he loves to snuggle in bed, even in the winter when my feet are below zero

he doesnt get mad when i steal his fav hoodie or t shirt to sleep in 

he makes me try new things, yes makes 

he doesnt mind it when the dogs hop into bed with us......all four of them 

the cat too

he surprises me - in whatever shape or form: coming home early, or a handful of flowers,or kiss out of nowhere, or telling me how much i mean to him, or a spa certificate.... whatever.......take notes :)

he doesnt get mad when i show up with anew purse and matching wallet for the summer and winter season, every yr 

hes good with money bc im always negative in the bank, no matter how much i make lol. money doesnt just burn a hole in my pocket it damn near explodes!!

he doesnt play video games

he knows how to communicate a problem to me 

he is articulate 

he gives me no reason to be jealous

he thinks that skinny skinny girls are ugly

he likes my little tummy

he realizes that the past is just that, the past 

he understand that when out in public, i need a personal bubble from everyone else. crowds make me freak  

he doesnt share drinks with anyone bc he knows how i am about other peoples germs

he makes lots of money for two reasons: 1.so i can be a stay at home mom and not let the t.v raise the children or some stranger at a daycare and 2. so we can but 5-10 acres and build a fabulous house away from the city but not in the sticks lol (i just dont want any next door neighbors ) 

he lets me hold the remote 

he never takes my mothers side and always agrees with me that she is crazy on the drive home

he knows that a bouquet of balloons makes me smile 

he is not afraid of commitment 

he likes my friends

he can hold his own on a girls night, if he had too 

he wants to always be improving himself 

he is never closed minded 

he understands why im not going to lie to my children about santa claus, the tooth fairy or the easter bunny. 

he never ever makes me feel fat, stupid, or easy 

he knows i dont like the whole arm around you thing during the movies, just to scootch together and let me put my head on his shoulder (but the arm thing is ok in bed, much much more comfy ) 

he never stops fighting for us and our passion and relationship

BOOK CLUB II

well i finished the girl with the dragon tattoo. actually i finished it awhile ago but forgot to update the book club. it was a great book!! it had mystery and plot twists, as in more than one !!! the best part is that they are making a movie about it starring DANIEL CRAIG  as the lead :).
this book is one of a three part series. so of course now im on the second book, the girl who played with fire. its about the same news magazine that is about to drop a sex trade editorial bomb and name some high ranking names, so of course the journalist is brutally murdered wouldnt you know it right before its published. thats as far as ive gotten but i wont tell you anymore bc i dont want to give away spoilers and i want you to read it too !!!

as always stay tuned :)

humans

personality theorist say that ones personality is set by the age of 5 or 6. they still debate whether its nature vs nurture or a combination of the two.  i believe its is the combination of the two. those first 5-6 yrs all we do is absorb and imitate. we set up standards and morals (whether or not we realize thats what we are doing at the time). we learn what is "good" or "bad". but who made these rules? why arent we given a choice to decide for ourselves what is "good" or "bad". i personally dont allow others opinions of "good " or "bad" ( ok , im so done with the stupid quotation marks, you get it ) to influence my choices. my mother calls this learning the hard way. but id much rather learn the hard way than just let someone tell me what i should and shouldnt do all my life. isnt it the experiences and the memories that we live for. what are we living for if we just take some one elses word for it. 

i hate etiquette books, who made up all those silly rules about forks and cups and seating arrangements and duties of a hostess and duties of a guest. if yr out with yr friends you shouldnt be monitoring yrself or yr friends. you should be in the moment, having the fun you came to have.  i slouch, i chew with my mouth open (which is gross but usually its bc i my allergies are so bad i cant breathe out of my nose) i play with my food, elbows are always on the table, i say inappropriate things, and sometimes i ignore utensils completely. now there is a difference between etiquette and having respect for those around you.  im just saying im going to use whichever fork i want. 

but back to my original thought

i wonder, if it was possible and safe and all that jazz, to take a dozen or so infants of different races and genders and put them in a completely neutral environment , some remote island ,and let them learn whatever they decide they need to learn . let them develop themselves, what the outcome would be. they would never have been introduced to racism or sexism or politics or media distorted images of what someone should look like or act like or any other hypocrisies.  would they eventually find some reason to divide and create chaos or would they learn peace and to see someone for the inside. would they create some lord of the flies horror island or create their own garden of eden utopia? 

i guess what i am asking is are we innately good or bad. or are most of us blank slates with a few leaders that draw us to either side. 

im reading this and i sound stark raving mad probably but i dont agree with most personality theorist. i believe you are constantly developing and constantly changing because everyday your experiencing new things, your still learning whether you realize it or not, and that changes you. and ive learned that the older i get the fuzzier the lines from good to bad get. now its only bad if blah blah and this is good only when ......

i guess what im saying is im sticking with my rules, my ideas of who i should be , what i should look like, what i should do, what i should say, and most def what i should think or better yet what i choose to think. 

and maybe you should too

as always stay tuned :)

friends.....

There are people in this world who will lie to you, there are people in this world who will steal from you,and there are people in this world who will harm you. 


I sometimes wish that I had some sort of device that could tell me, when I first meet someone, whether there are any of the three above. It seems so hard, at least for me, to make solid trusting relationships.  I have a few, very few rock solid friends who would do almost anything for me.  Why is it so hard to make lasting friendships. Is it me or does it always seem that we acquire what I like to call "environmental" friends. These are the people we see everyday or week, through work or the gym or the neighborhood. People you think you can trust and have faith in.  But more often than not they end up being one of two things: 1. a huge disappointment and thus a waste of time or 2. they disappear the second you leave that environment. My favorite is when we exchange the "we will still talk" or " let's keep in touch " lines.  


I know in one of my previous blogs I said that I didn't want the movie fantasy but, laugh if you must, every time I watch friends or sex and the city I can't help but wish that I had a tight circle of gal pals so close. And that we would not only see each other throughout the week, schedules allowing, but to always have one day a week where we would get together and dish over brunch, no matter how chaotic our lives are. I want that tight circle, one that keeps no secrets from each other, one that can have a fight and still stick together.  


I just feel a little isolated. Partly is my fault, once I can tell someone will never be lasting friendship material I kind of write them off. Occasionally, we hang but nothing special. Maybe I'm just lonely. No no maybe I am lonely. 


For some reason I feel almost embarrassed to admit that, like its some horrible skeleton in the closet. I even came close to deleting this post but, F*** it. I'm lonely, it's an emotion that everyone feels at some point. Even when standing in a crowded room full of friends and family. 


I guess I just feel like a wanderer. My family ties will never be ideal bc I will never measure up to standards that I had no say in setting up. I feel as though they see me as some fly in the room just buzzing around being shooed away or attacking me with some verbal sam fly swatter. 


Im guessing thats why long term, lasting friendships are so important to me. I just wish I had more of them. And I def wish that those select few would make time for me. call me for a change, invite me over, ask me to go out when you do. 


the thing is people change, their lives change, and their priorities change too. this is understandable but still keeps me feeling a little left out 

Choices

I'm so tired of being emotionally pulled and tugged one way or the other. Some days I'm strong and can say " This is not what I want" . Other days, I think," maybe it's not so bad". Maybe another week another month.  This is where I need to be braver, stronger, and more independent.
Sometimes I want to break away from it all, cut ties, move away, and start anew. I don't know. Sometimes you look around and think " Think is my life?".

I look at all the options in my life and all the goals I want seem so far away. But then again anything good is def worth waiting for, working hard for, and one day I want to look back and say " See I was brave, I did it all on my own! I EARNED IT!!!!!"

So for now its back to the day to day grind and the slow path to my future success and hopefully another stepping stone in who I am. I think this stepping stone will not only appear once I complete my goals but my choices on the journey to finish them.........

STAY TUNED