Where to begin?

I guess you might be curious as to the title of my blog page "The Double Life: Samantha vs. Sugar". Obviously my name is Samantha but my stage name is Sugar. I have no intention of writing my life vs. stripper life for all of my blogs, but since it is my job, and part of my life stripper stories will slip in from time to time.  Instead, I intend for this and all future blogs to be part of my journey of balancing all the different people I have to be.Things I think I'm supposed to be, who I am told I am supposed to be or what I am supposed to want vs who I really am and what I really want.

I know I do not want a conventional everyday life. Eric Fromm says that a truly free person is spontaneous, doesn't give into government, organized, religion, and other schedules.  To be truly free, and thus happy, you must make your choices daily, hourly, momentarily.

I know I am not a part of any religion. I am agnostic. Right now I just believe in energy, mock or pray for me if you must, its what I believe.

I know that I am not brave enough
I know that I am not strong enough
I know that I am not disciplined enough
I know that I don't know who I am right now....

Sometimes, most times, I feel just caught up in this day to day grind of a current. And I am just managing to keep my head above water. Sometimes I wonder "Is this what life is really about? Rent, wal-mart, work, vitamins, family........isn't this the same circle people did years ago, decades ago, centuries ago???" What makes my life so special compared to theirs, nothing. I'm just part of the never ending circle of life and death.  I guess I am looking for something to inspire me, to make me feel like I beat the circle, or did something to change the circle ( in a positive way ).

I've turned to meditation, which can really really help, when I can manage to turn off my brain. ha ha Sometimes my meditation leads to an inspiring motivating energy and after I've completed it I feel like I could accomplish anything. But then I look around and the only thing I can see to accomplish is a load of laundry or a shift at the club.

I JUST WANT INSPIRATION!!!! PURPOSE!!! WHY AM I HERE AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ?????

Maybe the answer will come to me next blog ;)

Stay Tuned